ok so my existential angst du moment. 

I live like a fucking church mouse. little personal income while I am pursuing my art. Living from the largesse of supportive relatives. feh. 

alreeady that's a prob for me, who has been independent oh so many years, but needs that support now, materialistiacly speaking. 

so tonight one of the few nights I am in The Garret playing music by myself...someone comes and says, at odd o'clock, can I please tone it down. 

ok. 

a) - didn't realize it was hear-able where they are sleeping. gah. would never have wanted to disturb.

b) - I have spent the last 3 yrs + in *headphones* so as not to disturb peeps around me. You know what? I'm kinda getting tired of fucking headphones. (tonite was a rare excursion via *speakers*. Silly me.)

c) - I want to live where *I* dictate my local ambiance, and don't need to be slavishly bow-ish to the demands of Others. But right now I am in living circumstances where I AM perforce slavishy bowish to the demands of others.  Hear me melting down right about now about that...

d)  I don't have an immediate OUT, because that is dependent on my writing, and that is not going very quickly. GAH

FUCKING A.

If there is ANYthing that will push my BUTTONS it is exactly this kind of situation. Suddenly I am cognizant that this so is not MY space, my place, my energy around me. 
Headphones/ Fucking A yeah let's just superglue them to my skull because at this rate I can never rock out (where others can hear it)  at 1 am which suites my creative milieu. MY needs are chopped liver, yes yes admittedly they may be disturbing to others'sleep cycles but the fundamental issue is, I am not in a situation where I can NEGOTIATE what "me-space" looks like. 

Fucking A. Or did I say that already. 

Snarly, over here. beyond perturbed about living space boundaries. 

This is the kind of thing that makes me leap in a car and move 2,3 states away. Believe me, I've done it before. Unfortunately, at the moment, don't have a car.  If I did, my nose-out-of-jointedness would probably propel me down the road in the next 5 minutes. 

sigh. 

OK. 
end lament for now. 
I dont know how to manifest lots of liveable cash cushion WHILE I create art (book), or I'd be outta here in a hot second to pursue the creating away from....People. 

Period. 

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH. 

:(

and this, even while I'm grateful for the hosted space I have. Double ARGH. 

:( :(